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Pathetisad the Comic
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Excess is a dish best served in moderation
Nothing says class like an exact replica of Noah's Arc made entirely out of seashells.
When tombstones start shooting like missiles, you know you're in trouble.
I'm genetically normal for a human, but pretty messed up for a fruit fly.
I told Derek not to write this.
There is no I in team, but there sure as hell is a me.
This post-it Note has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit your screen.
Would selling the earth for beer money truly be a bad thing?
Restaurants should have escape pods.
If, by chance, you become a black prostitute never get in bed with a guy with a swastika tattoo.
It should be require that for foreigners to become U.S. Citizens they must watch several John Wayne movies.
I know there are a lot of new cable channels out there, but I think the "Old People Buying Hammers Network" (OPBHNW) is just a little bit too far.
30 million dollar can buy a lot of soda crackers.
Tap dancers get all the chicks.
Roller skates will work on an ice rink, but they get real mad when you use ice skates on those nice wooden floors.
They should change the name of NyQuil to coma in a bottle.
People from places that aren't nice aren't nice people.
If you were an alien why say, "We come in peace," when giving out free beer is much more believable.
In my country, burning a steak is punishable by death... except for me of course... it is my country after all.
Never do anything you can get someone else to do for you.
Caution: messing with Texas could be detrimental to your health.
Never surprise a man having a psychotic episode.
Always remember - Rich people are better than everyone else. That's why we envy them so.
When a baseball player hits a home run there really a point to running the bases?
Is there any better time to kick a man when he's down? I mean most guys are tall.
The problem with most tourist caves is that the wallpaper is just tacky.
Society needs a rhinoceros emergency system (RES).
I'm a pretty bad speller but I'm pretty sure that Rolaids is not how you spell relief.
In paradise there must be overflowing pitchers of beer and chicken wings the size of your head.
The uncut version of "Big" contains 3 hours of Tom Hanks playing with Rock-em Sock-em Robots.
Not a day goes by that I don't want to beat someone with a keyboard.
You know you're in trouble when your anesthesiologist hooked up to the same I.V. you are.
Always make 'em wonder.
When reality hits it's like a slap from a big wet fish.
Girls without panties are like presents without wrappings.
The time you spent reading this you'll never get back.
Selling snow to Eskimos usually doesn't make much money.
Counterfeiting pesos is sinking to a new low.
The best part of waking up is Folgers realizing you didn't die in your sleep.
Pauly Shore is actually some sort of fungus.
Just breathe.
Why hasn't anyone started a Pro Wrestling league where the wrestlers use midgets as weapons?
The problem with beating up friends is that you have to listen to them whine about it later.
Congress should pass a bill to foam pad the entire planet. Think of the money that would be saved on broken glassware alone.
It takes a proud man to admit he's afraid of a finger puppet.
This book would make us more money if it were a sleazy romance novel... with Fabio of course.
Soybeans are the cow of the plant world.
No crack is bad crack.
It must have been tough for teenagers in old times to make out on the back of a horse.
Chinese orphans must have a hard time trying to eat gruel with chopsticks.
Never underestimate the comedic power of a monkey drinking it's own urine.
Have you ever had a dream in which you were being licked by a manic depressive Eskimo.
If your parents don't have any children you won't have any either.
Dear Mr. Gates,
My name is Michael Betts and I am your third cousin. Please buy me a $78,000,000 submarine.
Thank you,
I'd give up government secrets for a good jelly donut.
Three things that get better with time:
The problem with real life is the depressing lack of impromptu musical numbers.
The U.S. is losing a lot of money not taxing the money they pay off in ransoms.
You can't start a fight in a frosty the snowman sweater.
There are a lot of reasons to go to Israel, but to fly a kite isn't one of them.
A public service announcement from the booze council: Alcohol solves all problems.
Thank you

Exercise and beer just don't go together. Guess I'll have to give up exercise.
There's big money in pimping out cougars, but there's even bigger money in becoming a bear pimp.
I was born 3 years after Elvis died, and somehow he still manages to steal all my chicks.
Give a man an egg and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to lay eggs and he'll eat for life.
I don't want to live in a world where you can't use your first born as collateral.
I'm pissed that I've never been given a chance to save the universe.
I have a feeling that hell is little more than an Old Navy commercial.
All missing socks can be found in the cushions of the sofa of hell.
Everyday I wake up and thank god that I'm not going to meet TLC or Salt 'n' Pepa.
We made this up and put it here.
If a torpedo costs a million dollars, you'd think the person being shot would be happier to receive a million dollar piece of equipment.
Space ships would be a lot easier to get out of parking spaces if they had a reverse.
I prefer it if the world passes me by, but I don't want to miss any good movies.
Disneyland isn't the happiest place on earth, Crackyland is.
Something to keep in mind while playing with fire: Burning your nose hair really stinks.
The best think about college is that when someone asks you a question you don't know that answer to you can just say, "that's not my major."
Boston should be a foreign country and it should require a passport to travel to.
Blindness is not a side effect of masturbation. I'm proof of that.
It's not a party until the tanker truck full of chili arrives.
Call me Jesus goddamn it.
Have an emergency? Just dial 10-10-911 then the number for the police code for the emergency. It's just that simple.
I ain't spoiling my kids, they aren't getting more than a blanket and a teddy bear until they're 20.
Half a pickle just isn't a pickle.
If the world wasn't round would anyone care?
You haven't lived until you've had a dart in your head.
Pianos would be more interesting with four wheel drive and airbags.
Never make a left turn on an expressway.
In professional donkey basketball even the donkeys make six figures.
Do you really have to hit on a hooker?
Who decided 9 yards that all the whole way? I think 22 yards is much more impressive. From now on I'm going the whole 22 yards.
Getting hit by a train is a much cooler way to die than getting hit by a bus.
This book is copyrighted two moons after last snow.
Do you think anyone ever tried to dodge the NFL draft?
How fun is a barrel full of monkeys really? Think about it from the monkey's perspective.
A machete means never having to say you're sorry.
I ain't gonna become a feminist just so I can see naked chicks.
Women with boyfriends should be required to wear badges that say, "Hello my boyfriends name is:"
Public urination is not an art form.
Cotton - no longer picked by slaves.
Nothing says you're doing to much crack like a teddy bear that walks up to you and asks for 2 cigarettes, 3 matches, and a piece of cheese.
The problem with hunting strawberries is that you have to skin then in the field.
Squirrel pick-up lines: Hey baby, wanna see my nuts?
Squirrel pick-up lines: Are those nuts in you cheeks or are you just glad to see me?
Cow pick-up lines: He baby, wanna ring my bell?
Dog pick-up lines: Hey baby, wanna help me bury my bone?
Poppin-fresh is really just selling out his friends to keep from getting his own ass baked.
Never take stock tips from a man trying to bite his own nose.
Beaver pick-up lines: Hey baby wanna chew my log?
Have another beer, you'll forget.
SWM seeks harem. Women are 18 - 25 to help with lonely nights. No fatties.
If America had a do-over with the whole slavery thing, I think we should enslave the french.
It's really hard to get your ass in a hot oven.
Raccoons really don't like shiny things chasing them, so we shouldn't count on them to save us from the space invaders.
The government should allow a monopoly on tampons. This way we no longer have to suffer through Tampax commercials.
There are starving children in Africa so take your table scraps, put them in a garbage bag and send them to Botswana, anywhere.
You know you're a real asshole when you get pissed that they interrupt your show to tell you 68 people just died in a plane crash.
Sometimes I wish I were a midget so I could live in a midget house and make a lining being thrown around.
Where are all the stupid people from? And how'd they get to be so dumb.
If I could walk a million miles I'd walk 5 and get my ass a donut.
Every household needs a bitter short antisocial antisocial alcoholic drunk monkey Scott. 4 easy payments of $49.95.
All county lines should be marked by an old guy playing the banjo.
Boobies and tequila make the world go round.
Millions of years of evolution have allowed man to come to one definite universal truth. Fire is hot.
I think we should make prisoners carry buckets of water up big hills. They could pour the water downhill past generators and make power. They wouldn't make much electricity, but it would be fun to watch.
Monkeys aren't good for taking shorthand.
Jokes about necrophilia are funny.
I think that new television shows should be rated on the "is better than being mauled by a bear" scale from 1 - 8.
In Swahili: Akuna matata really means: oh my god run! The animals are singing again!
The greatest lesson my mom ever taught me: Don't eat nuts that were up your ass.
It's important that your leotard match your mood.
The day I can't drink a beer on the toilet is the day I stop going to the toilet.
Some people call me an alcoholic. So I get depressed and drink a whole bottle of vodka. Who's the alcoholic now?
Nobody's an athiest when there's a squirrel biting his nuts.
It's a well-known fact that hammers are the funniest tool. My extensive research has proven that balpeen hammers are the funniest of all hammers. It has also proven that a properly worded research proposal can get the government to hand over millions of dollars to research pretty much anything.
Supplemental insurance has made Ben Afflek paranoid of ducks.
It's important that space monsters keep their pubic hair trimmed.
It's a long long way to that far far away place.
It's funny when someone dies, as long as it's not a former Beatle or me.
If I hit you with this book would it help you take of my pants?
Squinting at something that isn't there doesn't make it any more there.
It's bad luck to order anything while your roommate is taking a shit.
I was living life in the fast lane until I ran out of gas and got creamed by the semi truck of apathy.
Water is necessary for life. You can't make beer without it.
How come I can't be a boy-panda? It always seems like they are always getting offers for sex.
Pirate talk is cool in any language.
Snatching defeat from the jaws of success.
Even Jeffrey Dahmer said grace before he eat his victims. Cheers.
You know you don't have much to live for if you get upset over a T.V. show.
Porn is utilitarian. It serves one purpose and doesn't waste money on the little extras.
Life's funny. Just when you think you have everything figured out someone figures out how to have sex with a dolphin.
If pi ends, it should end in 80085. Cause on a calculator it would like "BOOBS."

"The Book" (full title "Random Quotations and Words to Live By") was written by Scott, Derek, Mike, and various others origonally on post-it notes. The notes were posted on the walls of Scott and Mikes appartment for everyone to see. Those notes are long since gone, so they have been replaced with these electronic post-it's
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